Monthly Archives: June 2015

Reindeer Games

REINDEER GAMES…reindeer-300x300

This blog is dedicated to all of the Mothers & fathers going to battle with a narcissist. I started this blog over a year and half ago because I was able to fulfill my passion of writing and my new passion for sharing what I experienced when facing what became a 3 year down right ugly custody battle that’s still really ongoing,however most of the dust has settled.I decided to take my power back and I’m so glad that I did.

When dealing with a narcissist you need to prepare for battle. In some of my first blog entries I told you what happened with my divorce now I’m about to tell you how to prepare for battle. Your going to need a few items before we continue. Your going to need full head-gear yep that’s right I said it. Helmut,knee pads face shield,sword which for me was my bible and my family. You will need full head-gear because all of the lies,false accusations,the transfer of emotions,character assignations,the reindeer games that they love to play.

For example I was 4/5 months pregnant when I asked for divorce. My ex and I came to agreement that we were going to wait until after our son was born to start the divorce proceedings,but at the last-minute as many narcs do he changed his mind and here I am getting a knock on our door (we were still living together at the time) As soon as the guy knocked a strange feeling came over me and there I was getting served divorce papers. I thought really? You had to pay someone to serve me papers.As I shut the door my heart was racing I instantly sat down I sat there for about 20 minutes just looking at the papers,scared to read all of the lies and everything that he had written,but I finally opened the documents and my heart sank. At that moment I knew it was about to get ugly and I was right.

The lesson I learned here is that whenever a narcissist tells you something they almost always mean the exact opposite. They just want to thow you off track and then that’s when they strike.They’re once again very charming but always deliberate.You can’t trust them. You can’t let your guard down which for women is hard because were emotional,but In their minds its you or him,this is survival mode in other words. I must control this situation.I must win. I will lie. I will cheat. I will do what it takes as long as I win.

Shortly after I received the divorce papers I was all ready to counter. I was no lazy sheep waiting for someone to come rescue me. I had a lawyer all ready and paperwork sent out because I knew the type of guy I was dealing with and being pregnant that I needed reinforcement,however what I didn’t know was that he was going to start playing reindeer games with the police.He would try to talk to me while living in the house and when I refused he would threaten me that he would call the police and tell them that I hit him a few times and twice he actually made good on his promise which would ultimately change my life forever.

My advice is once its established that your divorcing a narcissist leave the house immediately. You’re in danger. They’re out of control because they’ve lost it and therefore makes them extremely dangerous.

My additional suggestion is if you can afford a lawyer please do your research and find one that has dealt with a narcissist in court.

If you can’t afford a lawyer then go to onemomsbattle via facebook.Its the only source that will practically answer any question you may have about a high conflict divorce. During my journey I didn’t know much about narcissist personality disorder before my divorce. In fact I found out about it when I googled control freaks,because quite frankly that was our biggest issue is he wanted to control me then one thing led to another and I found Tina Swithin. One moms Battle.

I read her blog and my mind was blown wow her story was profoundly similar to mine. I thought I knew I wasn’t crazy. I reached out to Tina and she reached back out quickly and she has helped me and answered any of my questions ever since and it was her blog and facebook page that continued to be my guide along side god and having a lawyer and a paralegal. in the beginning of my journey of divorcing a narcissist.

It was also her blog that introduced me to Jamie who would later also become a pivotal part of my divorce once the judge determined that due to all the reindeer games a psychological evaluation of both parents were needed. Don’t play into they’re reindeer games.

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Transitions

I write this blog post to possibly help out single parents who deal with narcissistic ex’s and elementary school.

Schools almost over and all I can think about is I made it alive. I write this with a sense of victory even though there was many obstacles and a little bit of drama.My daughter started first grade at a new school Sept 2014. She went from a private kindergarten to a very public school with over 600 kids. At first I was very worried about the transition,but soon realized it was more me then her, She adapted to the change extremely well.

With a new school comes new problems. I remember when it came time to register my daughter for school my ex and I were waiting on a court order because we couldn’t agree on where to enroll her in school. I was in panic mode so I did what any rational mother would do and simply enrolled her in school,funny thing is the court didn’t even address the matter until a month or two after she started school and at the 9th hour my ex hub finally said ok sign her up by your house.

I was speechless you mean after thousands of lawyer fees that’s all it took was a simple go ahead,well thanks..I signed her up then at the next court hearing my ex tells the judge that he never gave me the ok. Huh? What? Here we go again when your dealing with narcissist this is what happens things get tricky and they change. Tip: always carry a tape recorder or a pen and paper they’re slick. I didn’t worry but the cute part was the call I got from my ex hub and his mom stating that theyre registering her for school huh? What? Shes already registered. Then im told that when I did register my daughter they accidentally switched my daughters paperwork with another Layla Howard. Wait what? Everything was taken care of eventually,but I had to hear how incapable I was of simply registering my daughter for school and I of course received a text from my ex with his superman cape on detailing on how he saved the day and what would I ever without him. I thought to myself I’m living very happily without thanks!

Thankfully Layla was blessed with an amazing and patient teacher this year because my ex was always pulling fast ones. We instantly hit it off I thought finally I’m winning. My situation is unique so I needed a teacher to be patient and understanding.In my co-parenting situation my ex and I don’t communicate at all unless extreme emergencies and even then he hangs up on me wont communicate back so throughout the school year if I hadn’t grown close to my daughters teacher I would know exactly 50% of what goes on. I have to work hard and parent even when I have no kids.I’m not complaining just adding that it takes a lot of work  and even more work to deal with someone who refuses to co-parent volunteered and was extremely active in her school because I only have 50% custody.When you’re a divorced parent although you only have the kids 50% of the time your still a parent 100% of the time.For my situation it’s even worse because my ex refuses communication until the very last-minute if at all so if I don’t find out myself I wont know whats going on.

throughout the school year I would go on to experience all sorts of unexpected issues and emotion such as open house at my daughters school. I was there with my both my kids when I turned around and couldn’t find my daughter. I look around in panic and there he is my ex, am I surprised he showed up? absolutely not its who he showed up with that took me for surprise. He showed up with some women who I’d never met,but obviously have heard she was working for my ex so of course it was surprising when she shows up at my daughters open house. As soon as I saw my daughter I polity walked over and introduced myself,funny she knew who I was. The meeting didn’t last long as soon as my ex and I locked eyes and he saw me shaking this ladies hand he bolted out of my daughters classroom leaving his lady friend and making her have run to catch him.Why did he show up? I waved bye and continued looking at my daughters classwork. I got home and realized wow I handled that situation with class. You just never know the situation you will face when divorced and raising children especially once they get to school. Needless to say I haven’t seen that lady again,but im glad I met her because in that moment you really don’t know how you might react to a situation like that,but i know that i wish him the best and if he felt the need to showcase his lady friend at my daughters open house then by all means do it. My focus is on my daughter not grand entrances. among other issues.

During the school year my daughter lost approx. 6 teeth well guess what they always fell out when my daughter was with her dad and since he refused give me any teeth. I at least wanted all of my daughters art work and paperwork the kids make so many cute projects and arts and crafts especially in first grade,well so the other day I asked my daughters teacher if she had anything I could take home because it’s the end of the year and she gave me a bunch of amazing items. I felt victorious. In divorces unless you have full custody you miss out on special moments/teeth /accomplishments so I realized that you have to seize the moment when the opportunity arises and though this may seem like a small victory it was a big victory for me. It’s the little things that can make the biggest impact. Talk to you soon….Thank you for your support.