Time Is Ticking…

 

I can’t believe it’s already been a year since my last blog post I realize,Time passes by in the most unbelievable way.It was never my intention to let A year pass me by without blogging,however I bit off way more than I could chew. As a single working Mother I have to be calculated with my time.Often times I’m running 24 hours a day.

This past year I can definitely say every hour of almost every day was accounted for with the exception of the 4-5 hours I would force myself to sleep. I would lay in bed and think of all the things I could be doing instead of shutting down to go to bed. In the past year I started a new corporate job. A job that I had waited for seemingly 3 years to open up.

 

I found myself with this amazing opportunity. Alongside this opportunity I was in deep with the creation of socks of god.A non-profit aimed at giving back to the homeless one pair of socks at a time. 3 years post my divorce I has all of these things that  I dreamed of as a little kid. I had always wanted to  create a non-profit organization and finally I could bring my dreams alive.I felt like the chronicles of a single mother was already established so I put it on the back burner so I could focus of my corp job,kids and creating a non profit website that would be different from all the others

 

I decided to put chronicles of a single mother on the back burner,but I’m here to tell you I’m back and with a vengeance. I have a lot fo talk about. A lot has happened in the last year. I realize time waits for no one. I’m certainly not getting any younger. At the ripe age of 37 I’ve endured more than some 80-year-olds and that’s why I decided to start this blog. Not only to bring awareness to  narcissistic personality disorder but to share with you the true trials and tribulations of a single mother (the book will be out soon). I refuse to wait any longer. I refuse to be scared to share my story and I know time waits for no one.We have this one life to live.We have to live it to the fullest. We have to be bold and be brave and just go for it. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to pursue my dreams and persue them aggressively So here we go….Tic toc tic toc …….The next blog post is coming very soon. No more lapse in blog posts.

 

socksofgod.org Giving back to the homeless one pair of socks at a time ..

 

 

 

 

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A Butterfly Emerges….

Screenshot_2015-10-06-19-22-49-1.

I was 4 months pregnant when my ex-husband and I started our divorce proceedings. I remember getting served divorce papers and even though I asked for the divorce. It wasn’t until I received the divorce papers that I began to conceptualize my divorce. I sat there looking at my divorce papers all while thinking what I am going to now. I thought to myself who am I? My entire world was crashing down around me. I was pregnant and getting a divorce and had just been laid off from my job of 12 years. My dog had just died a few months prior. I literally stood there and tried to cry. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. On top of it all.It looked like my divorce was going to be nasty court battle

As my entire world was colliding. I knew that one of two things could happen. I could let my divorce eat me alive like the flesh-eating disease it is or I could fight back. I thought shit I’ve gotten this far why fall apart now. I put my big girl panties on and fought back kicking and screaming the entire way. It’s funny because as I was getting served divorce papers in breath I was thinking what I am going to do. I didn’t have a plan, but I still had a sense of freedom come over me. I was so relieved. I was Happy. I know, that sounds crass right?

Here I am 4-5 months pregnant and I’m happy. I know in my previous blog.  know I talk about how hard it was in  previous blog , but I want to let you know. I have never felt so relieved to be free. Free to be me.When People get married often times we have these unrealistic expectations of our spouses. My ex-husband would tell me how perfect I was. There was a lot of pressure to live up to being perfect, his expectations were completely unrealistic. To be perfect at everything was not fun. I have to admit I. I really tried hard to be perfect, but eventually I couldn’t act like Barbie no more.  I felt as if our marriage failed. I was the blame. I did everything that I could to be perfect.

I jumped through so many different hoops, but ultimately I couldn’t fake being perfect any longer. I was exhausted. I had enough. The day I got divorce papers was the day I started to live again. In previous post I talked about planning a trip of a lifetime to New York. I had so many places I wanted to go, things that I wanted to do. I was now free to indulge in it all. Delightfully so I I did just that.

There were many times I had pity parties, however I decided to live. I decided to figure out what I loved and pursed it, I found myself .I’m still finding myself, but I started to really love myself again. I planned that trip to NY that my ex didn’t want to go on. I fed my soul, was it hard? Hell yes, but I come from the school of optimistic. We live once. I knew that god had something better planned for me. I knew that I was born to do more in life then just be someone’s wife and sit on the sidelines while my ex-husband fulfill his dream. I had dreams too. I started to do what made me happy. I began to live for myself again. What I uncovered about myself is absolutely amazing. I discovered that, I was even stronger than I thought. I discovered that I can do all things, but only through god.

Growing up, I always had these crazy dreams of becoming a writer.When I was 15 I decided to enter a literal guild poem contest. The very poem that I had submitted at 15 was called “free to be me” I bring this up because one day when I was cleaning out the very box that my ex-husband named junk, he stuffed all my child hood sentimental items in this box. As I was looking through the box named junk. I came across this particular poem, named “free to be me”

As I was reading this poem. A poem I had forgotten about. I thought to myself that my 15-year-old self was bold, she was fearless. She was a dreamerShe was amazing. As I was reading this poem, tears started to pour down my cheek. I thought I was no longer this fearless 15-year-old with fearless dream…I was a scared Mother of 2. That day was the day I said, I could either let this divorce swallow me whole or I could live again. I chose to live again. My 32 old self reconnected with the 15-year-old fearless girl who, I have so much respect for. If it wasn’t for her there would be no fearless 35-year-old. I can say today that. I will always have the utmost respect for my 15-year-old self. She was young and nieve, but she was bold & fearless, sometimes you have to take a step back in order to take a step forward. In the next blog I will continue to share with you how I started to live again. What I did to propel my dreams and to tackle my fears….

Reindeer Games

REINDEER GAMES…reindeer-300x300

This blog is dedicated to all of the Mothers & fathers going to battle with a narcissist. I started this blog over a year and half ago because I was able to fulfill my passion of writing and my new passion for sharing what I experienced when facing what became a 3 year down right ugly custody battle that’s still really ongoing,however most of the dust has settled.I decided to take my power back and I’m so glad that I did.

When dealing with a narcissist you need to prepare for battle. In some of my first blog entries I told you what happened with my divorce now I’m about to tell you how to prepare for battle. Your going to need a few items before we continue. Your going to need full head-gear yep that’s right I said it. Helmut,knee pads face shield,sword which for me was my bible and my family. You will need full head-gear because all of the lies,false accusations,the transfer of emotions,character assignations,the reindeer games that they love to play.

For example I was 4/5 months pregnant when I asked for divorce. My ex and I came to agreement that we were going to wait until after our son was born to start the divorce proceedings,but at the last-minute as many narcs do he changed his mind and here I am getting a knock on our door (we were still living together at the time) As soon as the guy knocked a strange feeling came over me and there I was getting served divorce papers. I thought really? You had to pay someone to serve me papers.As I shut the door my heart was racing I instantly sat down I sat there for about 20 minutes just looking at the papers,scared to read all of the lies and everything that he had written,but I finally opened the documents and my heart sank. At that moment I knew it was about to get ugly and I was right.

The lesson I learned here is that whenever a narcissist tells you something they almost always mean the exact opposite. They just want to thow you off track and then that’s when they strike.They’re once again very charming but always deliberate.You can’t trust them. You can’t let your guard down which for women is hard because were emotional,but In their minds its you or him,this is survival mode in other words. I must control this situation.I must win. I will lie. I will cheat. I will do what it takes as long as I win.

Shortly after I received the divorce papers I was all ready to counter. I was no lazy sheep waiting for someone to come rescue me. I had a lawyer all ready and paperwork sent out because I knew the type of guy I was dealing with and being pregnant that I needed reinforcement,however what I didn’t know was that he was going to start playing reindeer games with the police.He would try to talk to me while living in the house and when I refused he would threaten me that he would call the police and tell them that I hit him a few times and twice he actually made good on his promise which would ultimately change my life forever.

My advice is once its established that your divorcing a narcissist leave the house immediately. You’re in danger. They’re out of control because they’ve lost it and therefore makes them extremely dangerous.

My additional suggestion is if you can afford a lawyer please do your research and find one that has dealt with a narcissist in court.

If you can’t afford a lawyer then go to onemomsbattle via facebook.Its the only source that will practically answer any question you may have about a high conflict divorce. During my journey I didn’t know much about narcissist personality disorder before my divorce. In fact I found out about it when I googled control freaks,because quite frankly that was our biggest issue is he wanted to control me then one thing led to another and I found Tina Swithin. One moms Battle.

I read her blog and my mind was blown wow her story was profoundly similar to mine. I thought I knew I wasn’t crazy. I reached out to Tina and she reached back out quickly and she has helped me and answered any of my questions ever since and it was her blog and facebook page that continued to be my guide along side god and having a lawyer and a paralegal. in the beginning of my journey of divorcing a narcissist.

It was also her blog that introduced me to Jamie who would later also become a pivotal part of my divorce once the judge determined that due to all the reindeer games a psychological evaluation of both parents were needed. Don’t play into they’re reindeer games.

Transitions

I write this blog post to possibly help out single parents who deal with narcissistic ex’s and elementary school.

Schools almost over and all I can think about is I made it alive. I write this with a sense of victory even though there was many obstacles and a little bit of drama.My daughter started first grade at a new school Sept 2014. She went from a private kindergarten to a very public school with over 600 kids. At first I was very worried about the transition,but soon realized it was more me then her, She adapted to the change extremely well.

With a new school comes new problems. I remember when it came time to register my daughter for school my ex and I were waiting on a court order because we couldn’t agree on where to enroll her in school. I was in panic mode so I did what any rational mother would do and simply enrolled her in school,funny thing is the court didn’t even address the matter until a month or two after she started school and at the 9th hour my ex hub finally said ok sign her up by your house.

I was speechless you mean after thousands of lawyer fees that’s all it took was a simple go ahead,well thanks..I signed her up then at the next court hearing my ex tells the judge that he never gave me the ok. Huh? What? Here we go again when your dealing with narcissist this is what happens things get tricky and they change. Tip: always carry a tape recorder or a pen and paper they’re slick. I didn’t worry but the cute part was the call I got from my ex hub and his mom stating that theyre registering her for school huh? What? Shes already registered. Then im told that when I did register my daughter they accidentally switched my daughters paperwork with another Layla Howard. Wait what? Everything was taken care of eventually,but I had to hear how incapable I was of simply registering my daughter for school and I of course received a text from my ex with his superman cape on detailing on how he saved the day and what would I ever without him. I thought to myself I’m living very happily without thanks!

Thankfully Layla was blessed with an amazing and patient teacher this year because my ex was always pulling fast ones. We instantly hit it off I thought finally I’m winning. My situation is unique so I needed a teacher to be patient and understanding.In my co-parenting situation my ex and I don’t communicate at all unless extreme emergencies and even then he hangs up on me wont communicate back so throughout the school year if I hadn’t grown close to my daughters teacher I would know exactly 50% of what goes on. I have to work hard and parent even when I have no kids.I’m not complaining just adding that it takes a lot of work  and even more work to deal with someone who refuses to co-parent volunteered and was extremely active in her school because I only have 50% custody.When you’re a divorced parent although you only have the kids 50% of the time your still a parent 100% of the time.For my situation it’s even worse because my ex refuses communication until the very last-minute if at all so if I don’t find out myself I wont know whats going on.

throughout the school year I would go on to experience all sorts of unexpected issues and emotion such as open house at my daughters school. I was there with my both my kids when I turned around and couldn’t find my daughter. I look around in panic and there he is my ex, am I surprised he showed up? absolutely not its who he showed up with that took me for surprise. He showed up with some women who I’d never met,but obviously have heard she was working for my ex so of course it was surprising when she shows up at my daughters open house. As soon as I saw my daughter I polity walked over and introduced myself,funny she knew who I was. The meeting didn’t last long as soon as my ex and I locked eyes and he saw me shaking this ladies hand he bolted out of my daughters classroom leaving his lady friend and making her have run to catch him.Why did he show up? I waved bye and continued looking at my daughters classwork. I got home and realized wow I handled that situation with class. You just never know the situation you will face when divorced and raising children especially once they get to school. Needless to say I haven’t seen that lady again,but im glad I met her because in that moment you really don’t know how you might react to a situation like that,but i know that i wish him the best and if he felt the need to showcase his lady friend at my daughters open house then by all means do it. My focus is on my daughter not grand entrances. among other issues.

During the school year my daughter lost approx. 6 teeth well guess what they always fell out when my daughter was with her dad and since he refused give me any teeth. I at least wanted all of my daughters art work and paperwork the kids make so many cute projects and arts and crafts especially in first grade,well so the other day I asked my daughters teacher if she had anything I could take home because it’s the end of the year and she gave me a bunch of amazing items. I felt victorious. In divorces unless you have full custody you miss out on special moments/teeth /accomplishments so I realized that you have to seize the moment when the opportunity arises and though this may seem like a small victory it was a big victory for me. It’s the little things that can make the biggest impact. Talk to you soon….Thank you for your support.

Happy Chinese New Year- The Year of the “Sheep”

Happy Chinese New Year. I wanted to wait for Feb 19th 2015 to post my first blog in The New Year. What better day than Chinese New year-The year of the sheep. I’m a sheep. This is my year. In my head I’m thinking to myself,Finally. As my 3 year custody battle divorce is now final.I feel great about the future I have ahead of me with my children. Today was a great day for me.New beginnings. I have acquired the domain right for this blog that has helped me tell my story to all of you. This year I’m excited to continue to share my journey with you. As I continue to navigate through life raising my children as a singe mother and co-parenting with a narcissist while trying to pursue love and my happiness. I wish everyone a Happy New Year & Chinese New Year/New Year. May all your dreams,wishs come true.

What does the year look like for the sheep?
Year Of The Sheep 2015 Meaning Profile, Traits and Predictions

The year 2015 is going to be an exciting year – more specifically to individuals who fall under The Year of the Sheep – it is THEIR year! In accordance to the Chinese calendar and meaning, the Year of the Sheep 2015 dates starts from February 19 2015 up to February 7 2016. The 2015 Year of the Sheep falls under the element of Wood.

Under the influence of the element Wood, the sheep is a witty individual who is very thoughtful and is mindful to other’s wishing. He is generous, sentimental and has high moral in life. He completely trusts those people who inspire him.

Lucky numbers for someone who is born under The Year Of The Sheep are red, green and purple. Their lucky flowers are carnation and primrose. The auspicious directions for those who are born under the Year of the Sheep are South, East and Southeast.

I’m excited about 2015: Who knows what it will bring,but I feel blessed to have made it this far despite all of the obstacle put in front of me. God bless you.Until the next time…… #2015Theyearofthesheep

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist!!

Co-parenting with a narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissist is like being sentenced to 18 years to life with no possibility of parole. Co-parenting with my ex is absolutely almost worse than being married to him. When you get divorced most often you can’t wait to get away from your ex, but in my case and many other cases I happen to have children with the narc shark (that’s my new pet nickname for him) so I have to still deal with him. My kids are my main priority and although I dislike my ex. I try to co parent for the sake of my kids, but it’s almost impossible to do so because after all were dealing with a Narcissist and Narcissist don’t do anything unless it suits them and that includes being civil.

Let me take you for a ride while I share some of my Narc co-parenting issues that I’ve had to deal with for the last few years. I have primary custody of my son and my ex and I share custody of our daughter so when I have to pick up my son from his visit with his dad I have to wear headphones just to ignore the Narc Shark when he’s shouting obscenities at me. The unfortunate part is the kids still hear him. I hope that one day it gets old for him. The “narc” will keep my kids clothes and when he returns them puts them in old clothes. I’ve learned to just deal with that issue, however The Narc recently went on vacation with my daughter and didn’t tell me until the last minute when they were leaving and on my daughters first day at school he called me a “bitch” when he didn’t get his way. I just ignored the narc, but I’m at the point where enough is enough. I wonder to myself “doesn’t he get tired” I often pray that he will meet someone who will make him happy and he no longer wants to play the games that he plays.
I pride myself with doing the right thing, but the last few years I question myself. I often wonder why I continue to play by the “rules” when my ex continues to use my children as pawns in an attempt to control everything. My ex calls me every dirty name in the book and I I’m constantly fighting fires that my ex narc sets. I’m a fire women and the police. It’s my job to put out fires my ex narc shark sets because I’m here to protect and serve my two beautiful children. They’re the reason that I continue to disengage when they’re dad continues to bash me in front of them. I’m hoping one day they’ll see that mommy did the right thing.
Nothing is worse than having to hear how sad my daughter is after my ex bashes me. “Daddy says you’re on the Z team and were on the A team” I thought wow who says that to a 6 year old child. I supposed one who is emotionally zapped of any emotionally feelings. In the last couple years I’ve learned to not feed the narc. He’s sort of like a gremlin. Have you ever seen the movie? Who if you’ve ever watched the movie? You can’t feed gremlins past midnight because if you do they turn into these ugly little monsters that’s basically how I see my ex. He’s a gremlin and I don’t feed him with any response when he’s mouthing off his crazy talk about how bad I am and how I’m this and I’m that, is crazy because after all he was with me for 12 years and quite frankly if he was so miserable and I was so terrible he should of left before I had the guts to leave first.

Communication with my ex is nonexistent and despite all the craziness my kids are happy and carefree. I’ll take that credit, because they’re dad doesn’t make co-parenting easy. I believe he gets a thrill out of being mean and difficult. Co-parenting with a narcissist is worse than anyone warned me.I was given a book to buy by our child evaluator it’s called “How to coparent with a jerk”. I’ve learned that there is no parenting with a Narc jerk. When you have children as young as we do both parents need to actually try to come together for the sake of the children. Unfortunately at the moment there is no communication between us. We were ordered to communicate through our family wizard but my ex being the narcissist that he is has refused to communicate through that forum so as of now if we absolutely need to talk it’s through his mom who tries to facilitate messages between us. I would talk to my ex but I had to cut off all ties because I refuse to deal with his verbal abuse so I did something about it. I blocked his number from texting me his crazy talk. If he needs to talk to me he can call me at home and the moment that he starts his crazy talk I just hang up. I refuse to listen to him verbally abuse me.Its the main reason I asked for divorce. At first I thought maybe that I rush to judgment in our divorce, but the more that time has gone by I realize it was the best thing that I did. I feel sorry for my children, but in the end I’m actually the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s not easy being a single mother, but I have a new sense of joy in my life. I’m in love with life. I love my children and I’m in a really great place. My advice to anyone going through a similar situation is to block out all of the negativity and focus on your children and do the things you love. My family and friends support is amazing. I have some of the most amazing people in my corner and no matter how much my ex tries to mess with me I win because I refuse to engage in his craziness….. Co-parenting with a “narc” is the hardest thing I’ve had to do, but I’m willing to do anything for my children. I refuse to let one unhappy person effect my life. In my future blogs I will talk about day to day life as a single mother. Thank you for your support!!!

Narcissistic personality disorder

What exactly is Narcissistic personality disorder? Here it is….

Some people diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance. They have a sense of entitlement and demonstrate grandiosity in their beliefs and behavior. They have a strong need for admiration, but lack feelings of empathy.

Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR, include:[1]
Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments
Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others
Envies others and believes others envy him/her
Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence
Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others
Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior
Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

Other symptoms in addition to the ones defined by DSM-IV-TR include: Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends, has trouble keeping healthy relationships with others, easily hurt or rejected, appears unemotional, and exaggerating special achievements and talents, setting unrealistic goals for himself/herself.[6]

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an over-inflated sense of self-importance, as well as dramatic, emotional behavior that is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders. [7]

In addition to these symptoms, the person may display arrogance, show superiority, and seek power.[8] The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can be similar to the traits of individuals with strong self-esteem and confidence; differentiation occurs when the underlying psychological structures of these traits are considered pathological. Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others, when in reality they have a fragile self-esteem, cannot handle criticism, and often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. Comments and criticisms about others are vicious from sufferers of NPD, in an attempt to boost their own poor self-esteem.[9]

Another narcissist symptom is a lack of empathy. They are unable to relate, understand, and rationalize the feelings of others. Instead of behaving in a way that shows how they are feeling in the moment, they behave in the way that they feel they are expected to behave or what gives them the most attention.[6]

Surprised? I wasn’t. Once I realized what narcissistic personality disorder was all the missing puzzle pieces to my ex-husband’s behavior started to make sense. I had what Oprah often mentions in her shows an “ah ha” moment. I finally had it figured out and of course I was happy that there was finally an explanation. Once you get a divorce these personality traits become even more inflated. As if it couldn’t get worse. Of course I wasn’t really happy, but at least I had answers. In my next blog I will finally talk about co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. Now I know what you’re thinking. What gives me the right to diagnose my ex with Narcissistic personality disorder? I didn’t have to because our evaluator who evaluated us in fact indicated that my ex has a “grandiose view of himself” which = Narcissistic personality disorder. Bam! There you have it.

Miranda rights

I think that before you get married whether It’s the priest,minister,rabbi,or whomever your having marry you should read each of you your “Miranda rights” or shall I say my revised version of the Miranda rights. It should go like this” You have the right to remain silent.Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law eventually,because after all 50% of marriages end in divorce and well I think if we knew that everything we say and do would be used against us in a court of law then I’m sure most of us would do things differently.When you get married most of the time everything is all good,but the truth of the matter is when you don’t get along most of us that are about to embark upon divorce don’t realize that it just might get ugly. In my case things got really ugly.I never thought that when I said my marriage vows that one day everything I said and did would be used against me. My ex husband threw the kitchen sink at me (no literally) he used everything he could to use against me to gain the upper hand in our custody dispute. He even used things against me that I didn’t do. He literally tried to paint the ugliest picture of me that he could.Meanwhile I just simply told the truth,even though others encouraged me to fight ugly and just as dirty.I do believe that if I was read my Miranda rights things would be different,however when your dealing with a narcissist there’s no preparation in that. The only way to escape a “narc” (that’s my nickname for a narcissist) is to either do what they want or run once you get the slightest inkling that they’re a narc. I of course didn’t become aware that my ex was a narc until it was too late. I was 2 kids deep and approaching a divorce. I was still naive to think that we could actually be civil. Boy was I wrong.Narcs only think about themselves and this narc was all about his “money”. If I walked away with nothing then everything would have been great,but dare i to ask for anything then there was hell to pay.If I had to do it all over again I would of probley still married the narc and even had the 2 kids because I fell in love,but I would have damn sure of prepared myself for what I was going to be in for once I decided that I wanted out.

The one thing that I did that my narc hated was I fought back,but because of what he said I had to prove that I was a good mother to my children when my narc said I wasn’t, even though throughout our marriage he always said I was such a good mom. I fought back and I won. My advice to anyone going through a divorce with a narc is not to be blind.Always assume that “everything you say or do will be used against you in a court of law “eventually” because if a narc thinks that he’s loosing control he will do or say anything to bring you down…In my next blog I will talk about characteristics of a Narcissist. Narcs need to come with warning signs that state “im a narcissist be aware” I’m dangerous.I’m unpredictable and I’m very charming and handsome. I will lie to get what I want and if you don’t do what I say I will destroy you. I will lie to my lie to my family. I will do my best to turn our children against you.I want you to have nothing,but what i’m willing to give you. Narcissistic personality disorder is serious and its scary. Please be aware.

New beginings

I’m a extremely positive person. I’m very hopeful,perhaps the type of positive person that is often times annoying because even when I’m faced with hard times you would never know it. I have a tendency to always look on the bright side. That’s my natural disposition. I wont be and can’t be anything else.I do know now that It’s ok to be sad and It’s also ok to not feel positive all the time and to go through bad things.Its unrealistic to think that bad things aren’t going to happen to you,but when It happened to me the big “D” word. I thought ok well this is my time. I’m going to embrace it and take it all in,but at the same time I’m going to make the best out it. My new beginning was just that. I was going to start a journey.A journey different from the one that I had envisioned,but I’m going to be happy.I promised myself not to be hard on myself. My new beginning was going to be awesome. Although filled with good times and bad times. I was going to embrace every bit of it and I did just that.

I remember my ex and I talking about lawyers and custody and I thought to myself you know what I want to go to new York. I started to think of all the things that I wanted to do that my ex didn’t. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I was determined to live again. I was no longer under his control.I no longer needed his permission to do the things I desired. My aunt lives in New York so I called her up and told her what I was going through and she told me when I was ready I always had a place to stay. Well it would be another month or so until I actually took her up on he offer.My ex and I had went through a situation that was very bad,police were involved it was downright terrible. I talk about it in my book so I don’t really want to give it away. Anyways after that situation I said you “you know what I’m going to New York”.I need to get away and regroup. I thought to myself I wont be able to go when the baby gets here so why not “carpe diem” and I did just that.

I planned my trip rather quickly,but everything fell into place like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.My plane trip was booked. I remember being on the plan and feeling free. I felt so good I was finally doing me again.I arrived at the airport and I remember waiting for my luggage I had on flats for the airport,but as soon as I landed I opted for sexier shoes so I put on my wedges.While I was waiting for my luggage one of the baggage boys told me that he thought pregnant women were sexy and to let him help me with my luggage.I thought you know what “im sexy and I know it,lol” It felt so good. Yeah I was getting a divorce but the thought of being able to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do felt so good.I didn’t have to no longer live up to my ex husband unrealistic expectations on being “Perfect”.

My trip to new York was nothing short of amazing. I was blessed to experience new York like a celebrity all thanks to my aunt and her husband. They took off work and took me everywhere I wanted to go.They went all out to make me feel like a princess. I went downtown Manhattan to go shopping. I saw many of the famous bridges including the Brooklyn bridge. I went on a boat ride and saw the statue of liberty,went to every chic restaurant one could only wish to eat at.. I had literally the best pizza ever. (New York isn’t cheap by the way,lol) I went on a horse and carriage ride in central park.I went to the shopping district where they have like 4-5 blocks of swap meet type places and little hot dog stands. I went to the top of New York’s largest building to see all of New York in one shot.I saw the trade buildings on the boat cruise. I had so much fun.When I came home from new York. I was ready to fight for my kids. I was ready to embark on a new journey.This blog is dedicated to my Aunt Laurie for everything she’s done for me.I can never repay her,but I will always show my gratitude.I love you.

When I came back from New York like I mentioned in the previous blog. I got my apartment. I bought new furniture and was ready to start my new life as a single mother. I started to nest as every expecting mother does.I couldn’t wait to become a new mother. A single mother. I used to be ashamed that I was a single mother,but now I feel empowered. I never thought I would ever become a single mother,but now I’m at peace. I’m happy.I’m free.I remember being at the hospital about to give birth to my beautiful baby boy and I thought to myself “how am I going to do this”but as I held him in my arms after a long and arduous birth all those fears went away. I was a new mother. I thought I can do anything I put my mind to do because im a warrior mom and warrior moms do what they have to do to survive just like animals do.My sons birth was long. I had to have a c-section because at the last moment he decided to go from being faced down to sunny side up which is not good so instead of waiting any longer.

I decided to have a c-section. I was so disappointed with myself at the time for having a c-section because my daughters birth natural and was so easy 4 pushes and she was here,but my son was feisty he wanted to do things his way and funny thing he hasn’t changed,lol He’s still the same as he was when he was in my womb,but I love him more and more everyday.

When I brought him home I had no one to help me,but I didn’t let that get me down.I would like to add this blog isn’t about having a pity party,this is about empowerment.I was walking and feeling great right after birth no complications with my C-section. I was ready to conquer the world c-section and all.I was happy my baby boy was healthy and alert and so very beautiful. I didn’t have time to dwell. I was in warrior mom mode. As I’m writing this I’m gloating because I’m proud. I did it. I also breastfed him and still am.I got no sleep. No help. (He’s 20 months now) it was hard,but it was rewarding. It was peaceful. I didn’t have my ex telling me that I was doing everything wrong.I didn’t have him refusing to help me like he did with my daughter because I was home and he was working and taking care of her is what I was supposed to do.It was my job he would say. I just had me.I did it. I’m proud. I’m a warrior. No one can take that from me.New beginings are just that. A time to reflect and make changes and to start over fresh. I always thought to myself “the best is yet to come”.Like my Aunt Laurie once told me “This too shall pass” This blog entry is dedicated to my Aunt Laurie.Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thanks to Her amazing husband as well.. I love you guys!

My disclaimer

Every single content of my blog is my own personal opinion written by me. I do not intend to harm, offend, or bias anyone in any way who reads my blog either racial, age, sexual orientation, or occupation. Read and comment at Your Own Risk.

War of the roses

I’ll never forget our very first court appearance. My attorney and myself are sitting on one end along with my dad who I brought with me for moral support ,after all I was 4 months pregnant and with everything that had already happened i was starting to feel the effects of this divorce.My ex-husband and his attorney along with his mom are sitting at the far right of me.I looked up at my ex husband and remembered thinking if only we could have waited until the baby was born. I remembered asking my ex husband if we could wait until the baby comes to proceed with the divorce,but he declined.I hadn’t changed my mind,but I realized that I would be focusing on our divorce instead of joy that I had growing inside me. I wanted to have a stress free pregnancy,but when your going through a divorce regardless if we had waited that just wasn’t possible.

As I’m waiting for our case to be called I remember thinking how awkward it felt to be sitting on the other side of someone who you spent 12 years with. It was as if we were strangers.We were once a team and now were at war with each other. It felt very strange.I had an adrenaline rush while waiting aimlessly for the judge to finally call our names.My heart was racing. I felt a sense of nervousness,however that rush would soon fade as the judge would finally call out our names. We were up next. The reality had set in as he was calling our names.I thought to my self “wow I’m getting a divorce” Were really doing this”. I will be bringing our baby into this world by myself. Our divorce wasn’t final until after the baby was born,however I made the decision to not have him there for the birth. I needed peace for my child’s sake and for mine.Our divorce was anything but peaceful.In fact it was more like a suspense novel, war of the roses my attorney once called it.

I never imagined my life turning out this way and even worse loving someone for 12 years only to have them trash you on the way out. As I sat in the courtroom for the first time listening to the judge talk. We were no longer Mr & Mrs. We were now petitioner verses respondent. I never imagined that this was going to be one of several more court appearances that I was going to make while pregnant and thereafter. This divorce was turning out to be a knock down drag out fight. After hearing the accusations my soon to be ex husband said about me I knew that he was going to fight me tooth and nail for everything especially the kids.He was out to destroy me. I wasn’t shocked because at this point I had read everything about narcissism and he was turning out to be everything that I read about.The typical narcissist.

Instead of getting upset about everything that I had been through which included being forced out my house,my car being taken away( I now have it back and fully paid for) because it was in his business name and because he could out of spite and much much more. I decided to put my faith even more now than ever in the all mighty god. I gave up the idea of being able to get back in my house and I got my own place. I gave up all furniture and bought my own. I remember my ex throwing all of my stuff in garbage bags and giving them to me. I thought to myself “who is this thoughtless person” I didn’t get mad though because I was about to embark on a new journey. I was going to be free.

I was 9 months pregnant when I moved into my own apartment.I was determined not to give up so I fought like hell for my kids,my car (I rented a car while I was litigating trying to get my old car back) and although I knew this was the beginning of a long and exhausting court battle. I knew that justice would eventually prevail, because I had the truth by myside.I knew who I was and where I wanted to be.I started to mentally prepare myself for the uphill battle. I didn’t look at the now,but I thought of the future and I knew it looked bright.In the next blog entry I will finally talk about how to take care a newborn alone. I know I promised to discuss that in this entry,but I wanted to give some insight on what happened right before my beautiful baby boy was born. Until the next time…

My disclaimer

Every single content of my blog is my own personal opinion written by me. I do not intend to harm, offend, or bias anyone in any way who reads my blog either racial, age, sexual orientation, or occupation. Read and comment at Your Own Risk.