When My ex-husband and I first met I was a young 21-year-old girl with glittery stars in my eyes. I knew from the moment that we met that I wanted to be with him. He was very charming,smart and extremely driven.It also didn’t hurt that he was very handsome.Our courtship was rather untraditional.
We met at a college bar and by our third date we both realized that we both needed to be out of our current living situations, so we did what most 20 something’s do we decided to move in together(I’m being sarcastic,lol),but as roommates only,however it took us 8 months of friendship and living together before we decided we could no longer fight the inevitable.Looking back I realize us pretending that we could actually be roommates despite our attraction towards one another would actually work was so nieve.We started off things totally backwards.It’s no wonder it didn’t work out,but it did last 12 years and not all of them were bad years.Infact there were some pretty great years,but not enough to keep us together for the long haul. Fundamentally we were extremely opposite.
I was very outgoing and extremely positive and he was only outgoing when he needed to be and a pessimist.I saw the good in everyone and he saw the bad.Despite our differences, we fell in love. I definitely saw red flags in the beginning and so did my family and friends,but stars were blind. I was in love.I choose to ignore the red flags,such as The fact that me being black and him white was an issue to his family. At the ripe age of 22 I had dated white guys primarily, some that had prestige background and never was there an issue until I fell in love with the only person that I actually saw myself spending the rest of my life with.
I remember my ex husband trying to cover for his family by saying random things to me to cover for them and to not make me feel bad,but the bottom line was I wasn’t welcome at his parents house and they didn’t accept our interracial relationship. I couldn’t understand why not. I grew up in a home with color wasn’t an issue as we had extremely diverse family members. I pondered on whether I wanted to continue in this relationship wondering to myself how would this impact our future. I wanted a future including kids with this man. I was all out of sorts,but I couldn’t help that at this point I was already in love.I had a strong will and was determined to make our relationship work despite the obstacle.
There were many other red flags that appeared in the beginning the middle and the end of the relationship, such as my ex husband’s grandiose view of himself. I remember how he used to tell me about all the great things that he’s doing,then he would start putting down others such as my friends who he didn’t like or certain members of my family whom he felt could do better. He would go and on as if lecturing a college course about how they were losers.Towards the end of the relationship I was called a mooch,a loser, and many other abusive names.I often left the conversation feeling as if I wasn’t good enough,but would just shine him on, but later on I would go on to really learn about narcissistic personality disorder.
I didn’t start reading about narcissistic personality disorder until later when we were on the brink of divorce. It all began to click for me instantly.He thought that he was superior to others including me.He would express disdain for others if he felt they weren’t doing as good as him. I could go on and on,however this personality disorder put all of the missing puzzle pieces together. I often felt that I was at fault for most of our arguments because he would never take responsibility or apologize for anything that he said and for the longest time I claimed the blame,but after realizing that the once charming and sweet man I’d grown to love was nolonger.He was judgemental and mean and harsh and later would become bitter.He had his moments of kindness.Towards the ending of the relationship we would be getting along things were great then two weeks later he would get mad over something menial then we would be fighting again.His insatiable need for control had taken over our relationship.
I grew up thinking that marriage was 50/50 but apparently that was a different case in his household growing up. There a lot of events that was a catalyst to our divorce,but I’ll save that for the book that im writing. In the end I take responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage because it does take two, but looking back I believe we never stood a chance.Control,manipulation,verbal abuse,narcissism just took ahold of our relationship and never let go.I held on to something that was meant for me to let go a while back,but I was determined to “live the American dream”
We did go on to have two beautiful children,a daughter who is now 5 1/2 and a son who is now 19 months. I was pregnant when I asked for a divorce. Call it the hormones or the fact that I had just had enough. I was tired of not feeling good enough,getting blamed for things I didn’t do and for my ex husband’s need for control over everything.In my book I will cover more details,but this blog entry is already extremely long.When I asked for a divorce he certainly didn’t fight it.
I was 3 months pregnant at the time.I knew that I made the right decision,but of course I went on to second guess that decision thinking could we have tried harder,could I have given in to his demands of wanting to give me an allowance. Should I have worked a part-time job at target like he wanted instead of working for the large bank I was working at.
Many things come into your mind when making such huge decisions that impact your children,but as time has gone on I realized that I made the best decision for myself and my children. In my next blog I will discuss starting over as a single mother with a newborn. I told you it was going to be a bumpy ride…